I Sought My Soul...

“I sought my soul,

But my soul I could not see.

I sought my God,

But my God eluded me.

I sought my brother,

And I found all three.”

- Author Unknown

The journey of my own faith has been riddled with twists and turns that would shock even the most casual observer, if it wasn’t so normal and indicative of most human experiences. My constant journey in and out of doubt, anger, and hope may be similar to yours. All of my experiences are remarkably and unambiguously human. Sure, my particular story is a particular narrative that is particularly mine, but since it is unmistakably human, it is a part of your story as well.

Who am I but one of seven billion stories knitted together to form a single human narrative?

My ego is a brilliant storyteller that elevates what I call my Self, weaving together a collection of experiences to tell a story about how I am special in this world of separateness. When I was younger, my faith was centered around my Self and how this God I could never understand loved me for reasons beyond comprehension. I chased after this God believing that there was more to learn and more to become.

My life had purpose. I had purpose, even though I lacked the language to articulate what that even meant. As time pressed on with its inevitable ticking, I struggled to learn how to be human, even though I thought of myself as more than human. Life seemed unbearably complicated trying to understand God and my own soul, who I thought I was supposed to be.

When one’s faith exists in the ethereal realm of ideas, any wisp of doubt threatens to collapse the entire structure. And collapse it did.

I felt untethered, like a kite in a hurricane. Every question without answer undermined my fragile foundation of faith. Echoes of bygone conversations bounced around my riddled memory telling me to “just have faith”.

No matter how much effort I put into finding the ground again, my doubt-filled brain kept flying away with the wind….

…until I finally saw them – my fellow humans.

I peered into the depths of my own soul, into the infinite divinity revealed in my neighbor’s eyes.

My faith was saved from the realm of ideas and was born again in the arms of my friends, the love of my family, and the surprising eye contact with a stranger on the street. No longer was my faith centered around myself and my God, but instead I was enraptured by a Divine dance happening all around me, in my sisters and brothers.

A smile was worship, along with hugging a stranger, eating with a friend, and waiting in a long checkout line at the grocery store. I found Christ again, and I met him every time I encountered another living soul.

When my faith was built upon the foundation of believing ideas, it crumbled. It was rescued when I was reminded of the beautiful practice of loving my neighbor. Any struggles I have with the logic of faith is overcome by the privilege of feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, and caring for the widows and orphans. I am far more interested in a faith built upon the foundation of good works than I am with a rational argument for some idea.

Too often, people with “right” ideas live in such a way that harms others and exploits the most vulnerable. To me, that is not faith. I can tell what you love by how you live, and it is evident so many people love themselves more than their neighbor.

As for me, I will love my neighbor as myself. It is in this love of my neighbor that I display my love for God.

I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see.

I sought my God, but my God eluded me.

I sought my brother, and I found all three.